Forget the bad and go with the good.....

I have been a lot more positive lately. Yes I still have my moments when I just want to curl up in a ball and cry but I've managed to stop it when I can feel a downer coming on.

This is due to a few reasons:

1. I'm not taking Clomid 

YES THAT WAS A BIG PART OF THE PROBLEM!

2. I have been reading inspirational books which have made me realise that sometimes I stress far too much over stuff that for now I have no control of. (This is quite a big deal for me as I like to control most aspects of my life to the extreme)

3. I have been doing Yoga , which is soooooo me. I should have done it ages ago!

I really feel a change in myself, I'm not as negative, I feel a lot better, I have more get up and go and right at this present moment I don't feel worried about anything at all..........not one thing.

Lets see how long it lasts

Clomiphene Vs Letrozole

I hadn't really heard much of Letrozole so when the doctor told me I would be taking that next I didn't really know what to think.

I have had a really bad time on Clomid, the mood swings have got progressively worse as the months have gone on and I have had nothing positive happen whilst on them,  so I hope that what I have read about Letrozole and it's lack of side effects is true.

 

If you have stumbled across my blog whilst looking for fertility information (I do this all the time) then I have left a link about the medication below:

http://www.ivf1.com/letrozole-femara-infertility/

Goodbye Clomid Hello Letrozole

As expected I was told that 100mg of Clomid had not worked yet again, during the ultrasound the nurse asked yet again if I have been diagnosed with PCOS. (Do they even read my medical notes ??)
She then explained that my lining was at 5mm which is a little better than before but still too thin and my follicles were not mature at all.

I then waited to speak to the nurse about my next steps and was surprised to find that it was one of the fertility specialists doing the follow ups this time. " Horray! I can ask some questions " sprang to mind.
He explained again that the increased dose of Clomiphene had also not worked and said that he was changing it to Letrozole (commonly known as Femara) to see if that worked. He also asked about the aspirin and how that was going, so I told him that I have been taking 75mg a day and stopping during the week of period as directed by the nurse. The doctor was shaking his head at me "no no no" he said and then told me that I should I fact be taking them every day continuously and double the amount from CD1 to CD14.
I was quite annoyed with the fact that I had been miss informed by the nurse previously because in my mind something like that could be a contributing factor to why the treatment hasn't been working.
But hey ho, it's done now so I just have to forget that and start again with the new medication.

The Rage!!!

The last week has been hell as far as my moods are concerned.

I was bit up and down throughout the month but then I began taking the 100mg of Clomid and all hell broke lose. I got to the point where I couldn't even function normally because of how tense I felt and I didn't really know how to change my mind set, in fact I'm lucky that I still have a husband at the mo...I don't know how he gets through alive ha ha

Thankfully I think that's over with now and I've gone back to feeling okay about everything, I've just booked my next follicle Scan for 11th November so I will just have to see what happens then.

Still awaiting a date for the operation ;(

Here we go again!

So I began day 1 of Provera again on Thursday, not before having to go through the whole traumatic experience of another pregnancy test just to make sure I wasn't.
So day 35 with a negative preg test and it begun again...
I woke up on Friday morning feeling like rubbish and was on the edge of tears. Now I'm not quite sure if I was sad because the reality of the scheduled surgery had hit me, or if it was the tablets and then of course it could be just because I got out of the wrong side of the bed?? who knows!!
All I can say is that ever since then I have been up and down all over the place, not quite as bad as I have been before though so hopefully I'm just grumpy because I'm tired.

1 bodged Uterus and 4 More Months of Clomid.

Our appointment with the specialist was this week.
I was very nervous about what the outcome would be and I had kind of prepared myself to be told that I would have to have a Laparoscopy as they had mentioned this before.
We were with the registrar for my doctor this time and she asked me to go through where we were up to and what we had done so far, so I told her about my failed Clomid cycles and that I my doseage was being increased to 100mg a day next time.
She told me that another 4 rounds of Clomid starting with 100mg is what we need to continue with....to which I breathed a sigh of relief in a way.
Then I opened my big gob and told her what Dr Jadhav had said before about wanting to correct the septate in my womb.
At first she said that we would wait until after these 4 cycles and then talk about the surgery but then decided to go and speak to Dr Jadhav who was in the room next door.
She was gone for what felt like a lifetime, when she came back in the room I knew what I was going to hear.....she explained that the Dr had said from looking at the HSG xray again he isn't sure of the severity of my uterus defect and that it looks like two horns (so basically my womb could be dived completely into 2 haves). He wants to do the surgery (a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy) asap so that we can continue with treatment and not have to worry that this is having any effect on concieving.
So they made me sign all the consent forms and told me all the details about how they might puncture a few other organs by mistake but they will fix them if that happens! WONDERFUL!
I left the hospital feeling a mix of emotions but I didn't cry this time! Of course I am scared to death by the thought of having this operation but I think I kind of shut off to it all.

Crappy Clomid and Another Failed Cycle!

I haven't posted for the past few weeks...medications accompanied with the side effects have left me weary and feeling too emotional to write about it.

In my last post I was having problems with Provera, I was feeling very nauseas and it was making me really miserable, little did I realise that this was just the beginning of my cycle from hell.
I am an emotional person anyway and cry when I'm happy, sad, in between, etc Lol, but this was on another level this time round. At one point I got really angry about losing an address book and wanted to smash up something, I also went shopping with Kenny and ended up crying over a frozen chicken that he put in the shopping basket because I felt sorry for it .(yes I laugh now about it but it didn't feel funny at the time)
On day 8 of taking Provera I started getting stomach pains, by day 10 I was cramping to the point of not being able to walk and AF arrived earlier than it normally does. It sounds stupid but I woke up in the middle of the night and the pains were so bad that I thought that maybe somehow I was pregnant and having a miscarriage because it hurt that bad. I was standing at the windowsill, breathing in and out slowly because the pain was so bad. I honestly don't know why I was in so much pain but I just hope that I don't have to go through it again, it started going off on about Cycle day 2/3.

I then began taking the 50mg of Clomid again and booked my Follicle scan with the hospital.

The time leading up to my Scan really dragged and I felt so sad, I knew deep down that it hadn't worked but I had to keep going and just hope that I was wrong.
Come scan day I was really on edge, I got there on time and yet again had to wait an extra 20minutes to be seen.
During the scan the nurse asked me if I've ever had PID (Pelvic Inflammatory disease) but did not go into detail of why she asked this. I've never had it as far as I know and I have had so many checks during this process that I would've thought that the doctors would know if I'd had it or not?
Anyway she continued doing the scan and then I went to talk with the senior nurse who gave me the results ............ It failed again!
No matter how many times you prepare yourself for the bad news it still feels like a kick in the stomach!
My womb lining has increased from 1.2 thickness to 4.4 which is good but still too thin so she said to continue taking the baby aspirin. The Follies on both sides were not mature at all (too small again) so she said that she will increase the Clomid to 75mg next month.

I went from the hospital to work...cried in my car on the way there, managed to keep it together during the day and then cried again in my car on the way home.

I was really negative yesterday but then the Nurse rang me out of the blue and said that she had spoken to our fertility doctor who wants the Clomid put up by more than just 25mg, so next Cycle I will be on 100mg instead.
I feel a bit better today, luckily I have great friends and family around me who keep me going and remind me to stay strong.

I know that Rome wasn't built in a day but this whole process seems so dragged out and never ending.
I was talking with someone who I work with today who has also been through this and what she said hit the nail on the head... "it's the not knowing when it will happen or if it even will that hurts".

Life in the Womb (9months in 4 minutes)

My mum came across this video on facebook, it's fascinating to see how a baby develops inside the womb.

TTCers of IG around the world!

 

Recently I had a vision to create a map that gave a rough location of all the ladies who are on Instagram in the Trying To Conceive Community. The reason for this was so that others could look at the map and see if there was another TTCer local to them that they could connect with.

I put it up on IG to see what others thought and within minutes I had over 20 names with their city and so there it began!
The map now has around 160 ladies on it who are on fertility treatments or have been on it and are now pregnant or had a 'miracle' baby. It's amazing to see how many women in different places of the world are effected by infertility, on the map we have ladies in USA,Canada, UK, Australia, Germany and Puerto Rico.

 

Follow the link below to view the map:

https://mapsengine.google.com/map/edit?mid=z6Ssw1aNSerE.kg5R1VxNdzz8&authuser=0&hl=en

Sick on another level!

Previously when taking Provera I don't recall having side effects but I am now on day 4 of taking them again and I have felt so nauseous.
From day 1 of taking them I have felt sick on and off and yesterday was the worse, I went shopping and had to abandon it half way through as I really thought I was going to either pass out or puke on the shop floor.
I hope it goes off soon as it's starting to drive me crazy!

Day 35 and back on Provera

It felt like the longest wait ever but Day 35 of the cycle finally arrived.

I took the pregnancy test as directed to by the nurse (what a chore when you know what the outcome will be!) and as expected it was negative. I knew that I wasn't going to see a positive but it doesn't stop you just hanging onto hope, waiting for that second pink line......I was sad and I was angry at myself for thinking that the first round of Clomid would work miracles but I knew that I could now start preparing for the next round.

So up I get and dust myself off again... out come the Provera!

The Note Card Exchange

Another TTC EXCHANGE has been taking place this month with BIG thanks to Chelsea again!

This time there were 100 women taking part from various parts of the world, all at different stages of fertility treatment/diagnosis. It's quite incredible really to think that although 100 seems a lot, this is just a handful out of thousands (maybe millions?) of people are going through this everyday.
 
The packages this time had to include at least one set of notecards and then the rest could be items for relaxation, hobbies, anything based upon your person's interests.
 
My box came yesterday from Rachel (@baby_maybe ) and she had done an amazing job putting together this package for me.
 
The cards are so unbelievably cute......plus there was, treats/toy for my kitties, birdcage items, a super cute owl mask, earrings, lucky socks, oreo's, rice krispies treats and much more.
I literally can't say thankyou enough.....Rachel you are Fab and Yes I agree we do have the BEST NAME!!! :-)

The Dreams Made Of Glass Shop on Etsy!

Due to popular demand I have made a shop on Etsy to start selling baby dust!

Lots of people in the world of trying for a baby/ infertility use the expression "wishing you lots of baby dust" and I'd seen online that some people give gifts of these charms, etc to others for luck in this process.

I decided to make some myself and send it out to some of the ladies on IG and the response I've had back is overwhelming.

It then got me thinking about people who are on forums and not on Instagram.......maybe they would want babydust too? maybe they would want to buy some for others but not know where to get it!

So I have been on a mission! I've made more of the baby dust, I've created a shop (to the right of your screen > ) and I may even add some other stuff! Getting my thinking cap on now!

Infertility affects women's lives differently based on social class!

I just came across this article which was posted on the Fox News website yesterday. (link below)
It talks about studies which have shown that women from a high social class are affected by infertility differently to those of a lower social class.
It made quite an interesting read but I'm not so sure that I agree... What do you think?

http://www.foxnews.com/health/2013/08/19/psychology-no-kids-how-infertility-affects-women-lives/

A 25 Day Wait .....

Well you know what they say......If at first don't succeed try again!
That's exactly what I am waiting to do and yes like I said 'WAITING'. I need to start another round of 50mg Clomid but I am still only on day 23 of this stupid, rubbish, failed cycle. If my body was normal and had regular periods then I'd just be waiting on it to show it's face but life isn't that simple is it! So after speaking to the nurse she said that I'd have to wait until day 35 of this cycle, then do a pregnancy test (what's the point? I know I'm not pregnant) and then take Provera for 10 days to bring on a menstrual cycle.
That means that I've got about 25 days until I can start taking Clomid again :(
This whole process is such a boring old waiting game, you wait for AF, you wait for ovulation, you wait for appointments, you wait for results and last but not least you wait in hope for a BFP!! (big fat positive).

I don't wish to be an expert thanks!

I was talking with a friend last night on a social networking site who has quite a few kids and recently had a baby. Whilst talking I told her about the fact that I'd not ovulated this month despite being on Clomid, to which she replied "what's Ovulated?".   I think I was a bit dumb struck at first, in my head I was puzzled and thinking "REALLY? You've had kids and you don't know what ovulated is?". Then it occurred to me that that is probably normal, that is what life is like for those who can just fall pregnant. In fact maybe I was the strange one for knowing what this term means? There is no planning for normal couples apart from "hey lets have a baby", there's no having to now if you're ovulating or not, there's no ovulation sticks loitering around, there's no planning of every single detail.....WOW!

After the conversation I felt quite annoyed. I was like why me? (yes I know I was throwing myself a pity party) Why the hell do I have to learn the ins and outs of conception? the fertile windows?  ovulation? endo thickness? follicle size?

WHY WHY WHY??????

I don't want to be an expert...........I just want a baby!

Such is life !!!

 

But I don't like the rain so I hope it dosen't last long!

I Love this saying!

 

Baby Aspirin for Fertility!

My doctor has advised me to take baby aspirin (which I'd never actually heard of before now).
I came straight home from hospital and started researching for more info on this as I was a bit concerned about taking yet another tablet.
You do start to question if all this medication is actually doing any good!
There's days when I feel like a junkie....I've literally got a handful of tablets to take at a time.
I was quite surprised by the info that I came up with.
Firstly Aspirin is more used in fertility than I expected, in fact it's used in cases of fertility, pregnancy, miscarriage and more!
In my case I need it to build up my womb lining as it is too thin, apparently it increases blood flow to the womb if taken regularly.
Below is a link with some more information regarding Aspirin and how it works for fertility issues.
http://www.babyhopes.com/articles/what-is-baby-aspirin-and-how-is-it-related-to-fertility.html

Whilst reading about this I also came across some information about thin womb lining which said that Clomid is linked with making the lining thin.

"Well that's bloody Typical isn't it?" I thought....I take 1 step forward by taking Clomid and two steps back because not only do I not ovulate on it but it also mucks up my womb! Great just Great!

Clomid Round 1 - Big Fat Fail!

 

8am - Follicle scan in the Maternity Ultrasound Unit.

 

I guess even when you think something has not worked there's that little bit of hope in the back of your mind telling you that you might be wrong.

I did this and then felt worse when told what I knew I would hear!

 

I rocked up at my Ultrasound feeling really really nervous and this time it wasn't because of the procedure, it was because I wanted to hear some good news...that I had responded well to the treatment.

If only life was that simple!

 

First I get into the department and its packed with pregnant women again, (I don't really know why I didn't see that coming, I mean it is a MATERNITY ultrasound unit after all) and then the receptionists are really rude and too busy having a chat to take my papers.

So I give a cough..."helllllllooooooo I am waiting"

Nothing!

Rudeness is not something I take lightly at 8am in the morning, when really nervous, really stressed and slightly hungry!

 

"hello, I've got...."

 

"WE'RE NOT READY YET, TAKE A SEAT"  one of the nurses abruptly tells me.

 

That's pretty much how my day began and ended...abrupt, horrible and miserable.

 

When I eventually did get seen the nurse took me into the room, explained the procedure (which I know well enough by now to talk myself through if need be) and then began.

I could tell from the questions that she was asking that it was not good.

I also heard her mention that the follicles on both sides were small......

 

Afterwards I had to wait an speak with the doctor about the results and it was then that I was told that the follicles were small and that the lining of my womb was too thin!

She mentioned maybe having to have injections to trigger ovulation but we wouldn't need to think about that yet.

 

One thing I've learnt already through this is that I don't listen very well to what I am being told.....I manage to grasp bits and pieces but not all of it.

Maybe I should ask the doctors if I can record the conversation lol

 

In the end the general outcome was that it didn't look like I was going to ovulate and even if I did the womb lining would be too thin, so I have got to take baby aspirin every day now and do another cycle of 50mg Clomid to see if that works!

 

Feeling a little bit deflated!

 

 

Is this working?

I've taken the first lot of Clomid now but I have had no side effects, no pain, no nothing!

Not that I'm complaining or anything, realistically who really wants side effects? Not me ....

I'm just wondering if this is a sign though that it's not worked? I had a really bad headache on the first day so started taking the tablets at night and then nothing, no headaches, no crazy mood swings, no belly pains...zilch, nothing!

I have the Ultrasound at 8am tomorrow so I guess I'll just have to see what happens.

Keep Calm and Carry on with Clomid!

It's strange how I've been waiting for this for so long... yet now I am faced with the prospect of it all I am terrified!
I couldn't wait to start the treatment before but gradually as it has got nearer to 'the day it begins' I have wound myself up so much with negativity that I had convinced myself that I didn't want to take the tablets.
The mixture of emotions is a really scary thing! On one hand I was feeling happy that this could work and I could potentially be pregnant within the next couple of months, but on the other hand I was thinking about what the doctor said about possibly misscarrying.
I also then started thinking "wow I could actually be a mum by next year" ....."do you really want this Rachel? do you? do you?"........."all that pain, sleepless nights". 
Luckily after talking through it with others and sorting myself out, I got up this morning and bit the bullet as they say!
I rang the ultrasound department and booked my appointment for my follicle scan and then went and immediatley took my first 50mg Clomid tablet.

So this is it....Round 1 of clomiphene begins.

Fingers crossed x

A simple thing like Instagram can make a difference!

A few months ago when going back and forth to hospital for investigations I came across some fertility posts on Instagram.
At first I didn't think much of it but when I was really low I just had this urge to click on some of the ttc hashtags to see how others were getting on and it was here that I discovered a whole community dedicated to infertility.
What amazed me was how many women there were connected on it from all over the world, from all different walks of life and yet it was like they were all best friends brought together by the one thing .....INFERTILITY!
I began posting about this subject too and started talking with others about treatments, then I noticed that others kept in touch by post and send eachother little messages and care packages as pick me ups.

I began to write to others too, some in this country and some abroad.

 I have recieve the most amazing letters and gifts over the past few     months and I am so so incredibly
 thankful.

Top left: Beth         Top Right: Laura

left: Chelsea        

The Nail Polish Exchange

Chelsea also arranged a nail polish exchange recently which involved something like 80 ladies around the world (on IG) who are trying to concieve, going through treatment, etc.
Everyone had a secret person to send a box of goodies to and by a certain date.

I recieved this amazing package (left) from Sally in Australia.

It was full to the brim with the most amazing items....and she had got my personilty spot on with all of the scrapbooking items.
She even managed to sneak in the nail polish! :)

Incredible woman and again another person I am thankful to have crossed paths with on IG.






I know that social networking can cause lots of problems but in this case I think it shows how good it can be too.

Like my mum said to me.. when she was going through this situation 30 years ago, it was like you were on your own with no-one for support and something as simple as knowing that others are going through the same helps.

PCOS and Metformin

I was quite surprised to find out recently that Metformin is a drug given to people with Diabetes and I couldn't understand how this would help me!
After all ...How is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome anything like Diebetes? 
I began reading about it on the net to gain a better insight into what exactly I was taking as I didn't want to be given something that I don't need.

So in a nutshell: PCOS sufferers frequently have insulin resistence, which means that their bodies do not respond quick to insulin. (Insulin is a hormone created by the pancreas!) ........it's quite in depth so I have added some links below if you'd like to read more for yourself!

I guess I just have to trust my doctor on this one and take the tablets, from what I have read Metformin and Clomid taken together increase the chances of ovulation and concieving greatly!

 
http://women.webmd.com/metformin-glucophage-for-polycystic-ovary-syndrome

http://pcos.about.com/od/hormones/f/Insulin.htm

http://www.advancedfertility.com/metformin-pcos-pregnancy.htm

My Mate Metformin! :-/

I have started taking the Metformin as directed by the doctor.....so 1 a day for a week, then 2 a day for a week and now I'm on 3 a day continuously.
I was apprehensive about taking them as I've heard that they cause really bad side effects but so far the only thing that I have experienced is heart palpitations.
Yes I know that's not exactly a small side effect and from what I have read it's not very common either but I was expecting a mixture of unpleasant things to have to deal with!
In fact I'm still not 100% sure that it is a side effect of the tablets as I know that you can get palpitations when stressed aswell, this could be the culprit?? 

Stupid Body!

Okay so I think I should explain in more detail what 'double womb' actually is.

The doctor said double womb which gave us the initial impression that I had two completely separate wombs which is not right. (Although I have read that it is possible!)

From left to right:  A normal Uterus/womb and then the next 3 pictures are of accurate, subseptate and septate wombs!

The doctor is not sure to which extent mine is yet but it's definatley one of them as it showed up in the hsg.

(I've attached a HSG image what it kind of looks like that I found on someone elses blog) 

Just to clarify THIS IS NOT MY ACTUAL UTERUS! but it is very similar.

Because there is a wall dividing the womb it can cause problems with the development of a baby and can cause misscarriage.....

 HOWEVER..

Since reading about this I have come across many people who have had this condition and gone on to have a normal happy pregnancy with a healthy baby at the end.

So for now I hold onto hope...and I'm trying to stay positive about it!

Take the Good with the Bad!

I've been meaning to update this since last week when I had my hospital appointment but I've had a really stressfull week, so couldn't make myself sit down and write about it all.

Here goes:

Last Tuesday (11th June 2013) we had our appointment with the fertility specialist.

I'd had a really bad morning and was already quite emotional so knowing that I had to go to the hospital made me feel even worse!

Me and Kenny got there about 15 minutes before our appointment and were amazed that the waiting room was empty apart from one other couple sitting opposite.

It's quite a weird feeling sitting there knowing that those people are probably going through the same thing and I found myself wondering what stage they were at, if they'd had treatment, had it worked?

First of all we had to wait about 45minutes to be called.....very unproffessional of them to leave us in suspense that long if you ask me.

Then we went in and met the doctor.

He started by saying that he needed all of our details again, name age, ever had a child, how long been trying.....blah blah  blah.

He then said "We may need to do some tests"

Well me and Kenny looked at eachother absoloutly gobsmacked as we've had the last 6 to 7 months of constant tests.

I probably sounded quite rude but I snapped and told him that I've had loads of tests and reeled them off.

He then checked our files on the computer and surprise surprise found all of our results.

He then went on to explain that he feels I have borderline PolyCystic Ovaries, he showed me my scan on my ovaries and said that there are about 7 cysts around one of them which is more than normal but not enough to say I definatley have PCOS.

He then said really flippently "has anyone told you that you have double womb?" at which point I think my chin hit the floor I was that gobsmacked!

I said No but he then went on to start talking about Kenny's results which have improved but still not brilliant.

My heart was racing and I felt sick.....I think Kenny could tell because he interuppted the doctor and asked if he could now explain what 'double womb is and what that meant for us'.

He basically drew a diagram of the womb and how it should be....I will do a seperate post on this to explain about it in more detail!

All I heard at the time was "it may cause probelms concieving and also problems carrying full term...something about possible misscarriage and that they may need to do keyhole surgery to see how bad it is" at this point I just cried my eyes out.

The nurse and doctor were both really quite sympathetic, told me not to cry but I think in my mind I was just thinking "why me? why this on top of all the other problems?"

The doctor then tried to calm me down a bit, he said that it may be possible to operate to open the uterus up but it depends on the extent of it and that for now he didn't want to worry about that, he wanted to concentrate on getting me ovulating!

He prescribed me Metformin and told us that there are lots of side effects to be aware of......"Kenny joked that I may end up pregnant but also bald" which did make me laugh!

He then said that he wants me to take Provera to induce a period (as I don't have them) and then start 50mg of Clomiphene in 4 weeks time! I will do this for 3 months and go for internal Ultrasound at certain points of the cycle to see if I've ovulated.

So I felt a mix of emotions when we finally got out of that room. I felt relief that I hadn't needed yet another examination, I felt happy to be finally recieving treatment and then I felt sad because even if I do fall pregnant I may be prone to misscarriages because of my stupid abnormal uterus!

such is life!

Infertility Journey Scrapbooking

 

 

A couple of months back when reading through fertility treatment advice I came across a blog of a couple who had been through fertility treatments for numerous years and had finally conceived.

They had made a scrapbook of memories, keepsakes and photos from the beginning to the end of their journey and it was amazing.

In their case they had been through numerous Clomid, IUI, IVF rounds with no success and finally went down the adoption route and this was documented in their scrapbook.

 

It was really inspiring and so I have decided to do a scrapbook of my own. (as you can see from the pictures)

 

It's quite therapeutic and I hope that one day I will have a child (one way or another) who I can share it with!

 

 

 



Just Waiting and Wondering!

I have my next appointment through with another different doctor!

Apparently this time it's with the fertility specialist who will be deciding what path we take next and what treatment we will be having.

I'm quite happy to be seeing someone who will be finally making some decisions but I'm also really nervous at the same time. I was told that I may need to have YET ANOTHER examination by this doctor now which made me want to scream some obscenities at the top of my voice! I'm so sick of having people poking me. I feel violated! Why why why ......????? Why do they have to keep on doing the same things over and over again?

 

So anyway that's that....it's on June the 11th which wasn't as quick as I'd hoped for but at least I have an appointment now.

 

Now all there is to do is wait and wonder what will happen next!

 



Just My Luck!

Hsg Test Day!

 

Yesterday was the day I'd been dreading for quite a while as I knew I had to go for my Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) Test at the hospital.

I was refered for this test to check to see if my fallopian tubes were blocked!

I'd had a really bad weekend and was highly stressed by the time Monday and the appointment arrived so was even more apprehensive about going. I really had to give myself a talking to beforehand to get myself together....deep down I knew that if I didn't go I would never get any closer to treatment.

So Kenny picked me up and we went to the hospital. My appointment was on time and I was asked to change into a lovely gown but for some reason keep my converse on, I was literally shaking but I couldn't resist taking a quick pick of how ridiculous I looked!

I was then led into a room (kenny had to wait outside) and there were two radiologists both female in the room. I breathed a massive sigh of relief when I saw them as I was expecting a male doctor again.

They sat me down and explained what would happen and what the test was for and I had to sign some forms just to agree to the procedure!

 

I've read quite a bit about this test and everyone seems to experience it differently.

I was expecting it to be uncomfortable but I never expected it to be how it was!

I will try to spare the gorey details as it's not very pleasant but I will briefly go over the procedure and how it was for me.

I had to lay on the couch and the xray machine (like a box that it above you) was moved so that it was over my pelvis....they then took a normal image of this area which appeared on one of the 3 screens next to the bed. I could see these which was quite good as it gave me something to focus on.

Then they started the test..... the speculum was pushed around until they found my cervix (if you are a woman who has had a smear test then you will know what a speculum is! lol), this was uncomfortable! They then had to insert a small thin tube which 5ml of die was injected through... this didnt really hurt but on the screen I could see that only a small amount of die had entered my uterus and the rest had spilled out.

So the radiologist explained that she would try again.....more uncomfortable pain and another failed attempt.

She appologised and said that this happens sometimes but not to worry as they could change the instruments being used.

So they started the test again with different instruments but this time it was really hurting and when she inserted the tube I was in so much pain I just wanted to cry. The only way I could describe it is like that feeling you get in your stomach when you have a water infection...that really sharp pain over an over again!

I had tears rolling down my face...but I knew that it was nearly over and needed to be done. I knew when the dye had gone into my uterus as this time my whole stomach went into cramps like intense period pains.

The radiologists were lovely and appologised for such a bad experience...they said that normally they only need to use 5ml of dye but in my case they had used 20ml! It did make me laugh because all I could think is 'it would happen to me'!

They then went over what the test had shown and my xray showed the contrast in my uterus and spilling through my tubes.....which meant no blockages! Horray!!!

To say I was glad it was over is an understatement....I went into the toilet and just cried my eyes out.

I then had to get changed and go for a blood test.

Yes one thing I've learnt so far through my journey is that the tests are constant and just as you finish one along comes another!

So off I trot with a tear stained face to the bloodtest department......I was seen really quick but as I gave the nurse my form she looked at it and said that she didn't know what one of the abbreviations meant, so off she went for 15 mins leaving me in the room full of blood test vials and needles!

At this point I went from feeling really fed up to laughing!

She finally came back and done the test but by this point I had already taken a photo and read what all the different abbreviations meant lol

                          

 

 Info on the HSG:  http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/guide/hysterosalpingogram-21590

 

 

 

 



Painful processes

I'm having an off day today! I have got the HSG on Monday and I'm really stressed about it and to make matters worse the guidance info for it says to do a pregnancy test just to ensure you are not! This seems pretty easy but it's such an emotional task for me!

Every time that I've done one (which has been a lot lately due to all these hospital appointments & tablets) I seem to go through the same process.

So today I bought the test even though I KNEW It's was going to be negative and then I had to pluck up the courage to do it. When it was processing I couldn't bring myself to look at it because I knew what the outcome was going to be and then when I finally did see that it's negative I cried my eyes out yet again because in my heart I was just hoping that somehow I would be wrong this time and I wouldn't have to go for this horrid HSG after all! It's always pretty much like that, so I'm really down right now! Just trying to distract myself with the fact that once the test is done I might have some answers at last!

I would Die For that!

I came across this song today whilst looking through blogs and other stuff about fertility treatments and it really pulled on my hearts strings.

Listen to the words... so relateable!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ&noredirect=1

Up to Date

On track

So now I am up to date on here!

 I am currently waiting to have the HSG done, my appointment is next Monday and I'm dreading it.

I know I've got to have it done so I just need to think happy thoughts!

Talking of happy thoughts....one of the main things that keeps me going through this is humour!

Sometimes I feel so down about it all but you have to make light of some situations......like when you lay on those doctors couches and wish you were at the dentist opening you're mouth rather than there opening your legs! ha ha

I came across this game recently that made me giggle, I'm sure if you are going through the same thing you will relate to it too!

http://indulgy.com/post/f872qKAcB1/infertility-the-board-game-painfully-funny



Dashed Hopes

  Follow up appointment at Gynae Unit

At the previous appointment with the doctor at the Gynae unit we were told that they wanted to do all the tests with Provera and the scans in sight of giving me a drug called clomid at this next appointment.

Those 3 months dragged so much and by the time I got to my appointment on the 25th April 2013 I had convinced myself that today was the day that they would give me the drug.

Well yet again I was wrong!

We spoke to the doctor who told us that the Provera tests had shown that I had not released an egg and that now I needed to have another bloodtest and also a HSG test to check my fallopian tubes. (I will go into more detail about this once I have had it done)

They also said that my husband's test had still come back with a small issue but for now they were not worried about it as they need to find out what is going on with me!

We left the hospital with more test forms and feeling completely crushed!

I got into the car and sobbed! I think it was a mixture of fear about having more tests done, still not having answers or not being given the drug like I thought I would be.

One positive thing came out of it and that is that we have now been refered to the specialists with the fertility unit....So I guess this is now where it really begins??



Thanks for That!

The next Scan!

During the 3 months of taking Provera I also had to go and have another scan as the doctor at the Gynae Unit wanted another opinion.

So off I went up to the hospital for this scan which just so happened to be in the maternity unit. I mean talk about being insensitive, there I was sat in the waiting room with a bunch of pregnant women..it felt like someone was rubbing it in my face.

One by one they were going in and coming out all happy and there I was dreading what I was about to have done and knowing that all I would get to see on the screen is my friggin ovaries!!! I really wanted to stand up and scream at everyone who was in that room, I can't tell you how much I had to stop myself from crying!

So then I was called in........I first had the external ultrasound as I had done before at my doctors and the nurse said that she couldn't see any problems with my ovaries. Yes there were a couple of small cysts but she said that all women have a few and that's natural.

She told me that I would need to have the internal ultrasound as this gets a closer look and she would be able to give me a better decision on if I had Polycystic Ovaries or not.

I guess I was kind of relieved that it was a women doctor doing this as it's bad enough having it done without it being a man.

The internal scan wasn't quite as bad as I'd imagined, it didn't really hurt, was just uncomfortable but I tried to concentrate on the screen and the nurse talked me through what she could see.

I've put a link below for anyone who wants to read more about this ultrasound, there's images of the machine used, etc.

http://www.radiologyinfo.org/en/info.cfm?pg=pelvus

The outcome was that she didn't think that my ovaries had enough cysts to warrant diagnosis of Polycystic Ovaries and so I was sent on my way!

Problematic Provera

 

Hormone tests

 

 

After the Gynae Clinic appointment I had to start taking a drug called Provera.

For the first month I had to take 3 a day for 5 days then wait until I had a period which was 5 days later, during the period I had to go and have bloodtest number 1.

 

Then after that Period I had to count 21 days from when I took the last tablet and then take the 5 days of tablets again, wait for the period and then have a bloodtest on the 21st day of my cycle.

 

I got myself so confused that I ended up having blood taken on the wrong day and had to go back again for another! (one I could've done without having! lol)

 

 

If you ever have to have this done make sure that you count 21 days from the first day of your period and not 21 days from the last day like I stupidly did!

 

 

I had read about women who had been on Provera and had had really bad side effects but I can't say that I had any.

 

I was emotional but as people around me know that's nothing new for me! ;)

Emotional Rollercoaster

 

January 2012

 

 

We had our first appointment with the Gynae Unit on the 24th January 2013. I was really stressed out about it as I didn't have a clue what to expect and to make it worse the doctor was running late so we had to sit for an hour and a half in the waiting room.

When we were finally called in the doctor just asked general questions about my health and my menstural cycle history.


He then wanted to do internal investigations!
Without going into too much detail it was to check that the womb is in the correct place and make sure that there are no underlying problems, all I can say is that after that having the smear done is a doddle.
This was probably the most traumatic and degradeable thing I have had to experience so far.
(I'm really sorry for anyone who is reading this and may have to have it done! It may not be as bad for others but I am giving my honest opinion)

When we left all I wanted to do was cry my eyes out, I felt so crap!

He had given us more test forms too...Kenny had to repeat his test and I had to go for more scans plus take tablets to induce menstural cycles.

Sometimes you have to Agree to Disagree!

 External Ultrasound 1

 

I was then sent for an external ultrasound scan (the type they do on pregnant women) at the doctors.
This wasn't really an unpleasant test, I just had to drink a litre of water an hour before so that I was close to bursting when they scanned me. It's a little bit uncomfortable when they're pressing on your stomach and you feel like you're going to pee but it was over quite quickly.
The male doctor who was scanning me (and also looked like he couldn't be bothered) said that he thought I had Polycystic Ovaries as there were some small cysts visable.

So I went back to my regular GP who said that I must have Polycystic Ovaries then, at which point I told him that I totally disagree....I've read about this and I do not have any other symptom.
He then looked at the bloodtest results and told me that they don't show signs of it either so he decided to refer me to the Gynae Unit at Basildon Hospital.
I was really defensive at first...I couldn't understand why they would send me to a Gynaecologist, I thought maybe they thought I had something else wrong. It's only once I was home and started reading things on the internet that I realised that this was the general route you take when dealing with infertility.

At this time we had also been told that the results from my husbands tests were not great either so this was like a kick in the stomach....we were both emotionally drained and fed up.


 

Dates with the Vampires!

I think that when I first went to the doctor I expected them to just give me a pill and send me on my way! How wrong was I??

The first of many tests I have had done are blood tests and although I seem to have had so many I've lost count, I know that these will continue now even once I am put on treatment as they can find out so much from just blood alone! (I did say to Kenny at one point that I think they are either drinking it or I've got a really rare blood type that they need more of! ha ha)

Originally they were just testing a few hormone levels and my thyroid, from there I was sent to have another to test for Aids, Hepatitis and some other things that I can't remember the names of which all came back clear.

I'm guessing that they just rule out as many things as possible!

So then I was told that they would need to do the external scan to look at my ovaries and off I went for that appointment!

My Amazing Parents taught me that Nothing is impossible!

This is my first post and rather than go into detail of the tests I have undergone so far I thought I'd just quickly talk about an early childhood memory that I have which is very fitting to this blog and subject.

I was 6 when my mum was having fertility treatment to have my sister.

I remember the little boxes of glass vials, the syringes in sterile packets, my mum tapping the vials to get the air bubbles out and then drawing the liquid into the syringe. I remember my dad injecting her with them because she couldn't do it. They never kept any of this a secret from me, they told me that it was so that I could have a baby brother or sister and as a child I just excepted it and thought that this is what all parents did to have kids.

My Mum had already been through this 7 years before to have me. She had been told on many occassions that she would never have children (for about 10 years in fact) but she refused to give up hope! She was finally given a treatment in 1985 that had only been used on one other person in the world (a woman in America) and was told that they wasn't sure what the effects were or if it would even work but for my parents anything was worth a shot!

It's only now that I am faced with fertility issues that I can truly understand and appreciate what they went through to have me and my sister.

To have to be told over and over again that it's not possible for that many years must have been horrendous aswel as all the treatment that was involved.

Selfishly I hope that my journey isn't as long as theirs and that I don't have to have injections etc but if the time comes and I do have to do this then I know that I can!

My Parents never gave up, my Mum never said no to the treatment because she was scared and if she had of I wouldn't be here today!
I love them both so much!