Here we go again!

So I began day 1 of Provera again on Thursday, not before having to go through the whole traumatic experience of another pregnancy test just to make sure I wasn't.
So day 35 with a negative preg test and it begun again...
I woke up on Friday morning feeling like rubbish and was on the edge of tears. Now I'm not quite sure if I was sad because the reality of the scheduled surgery had hit me, or if it was the tablets and then of course it could be just because I got out of the wrong side of the bed?? who knows!!
All I can say is that ever since then I have been up and down all over the place, not quite as bad as I have been before though so hopefully I'm just grumpy because I'm tired.

1 bodged Uterus and 4 More Months of Clomid.

Our appointment with the specialist was this week.
I was very nervous about what the outcome would be and I had kind of prepared myself to be told that I would have to have a Laparoscopy as they had mentioned this before.
We were with the registrar for my doctor this time and she asked me to go through where we were up to and what we had done so far, so I told her about my failed Clomid cycles and that I my doseage was being increased to 100mg a day next time.
She told me that another 4 rounds of Clomid starting with 100mg is what we need to continue with....to which I breathed a sigh of relief in a way.
Then I opened my big gob and told her what Dr Jadhav had said before about wanting to correct the septate in my womb.
At first she said that we would wait until after these 4 cycles and then talk about the surgery but then decided to go and speak to Dr Jadhav who was in the room next door.
She was gone for what felt like a lifetime, when she came back in the room I knew what I was going to hear.....she explained that the Dr had said from looking at the HSG xray again he isn't sure of the severity of my uterus defect and that it looks like two horns (so basically my womb could be dived completely into 2 haves). He wants to do the surgery (a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy) asap so that we can continue with treatment and not have to worry that this is having any effect on concieving.
So they made me sign all the consent forms and told me all the details about how they might puncture a few other organs by mistake but they will fix them if that happens! WONDERFUL!
I left the hospital feeling a mix of emotions but I didn't cry this time! Of course I am scared to death by the thought of having this operation but I think I kind of shut off to it all.

Crappy Clomid and Another Failed Cycle!

I haven't posted for the past few weeks...medications accompanied with the side effects have left me weary and feeling too emotional to write about it.

In my last post I was having problems with Provera, I was feeling very nauseas and it was making me really miserable, little did I realise that this was just the beginning of my cycle from hell.
I am an emotional person anyway and cry when I'm happy, sad, in between, etc Lol, but this was on another level this time round. At one point I got really angry about losing an address book and wanted to smash up something, I also went shopping with Kenny and ended up crying over a frozen chicken that he put in the shopping basket because I felt sorry for it .(yes I laugh now about it but it didn't feel funny at the time)
On day 8 of taking Provera I started getting stomach pains, by day 10 I was cramping to the point of not being able to walk and AF arrived earlier than it normally does. It sounds stupid but I woke up in the middle of the night and the pains were so bad that I thought that maybe somehow I was pregnant and having a miscarriage because it hurt that bad. I was standing at the windowsill, breathing in and out slowly because the pain was so bad. I honestly don't know why I was in so much pain but I just hope that I don't have to go through it again, it started going off on about Cycle day 2/3.

I then began taking the 50mg of Clomid again and booked my Follicle scan with the hospital.

The time leading up to my Scan really dragged and I felt so sad, I knew deep down that it hadn't worked but I had to keep going and just hope that I was wrong.
Come scan day I was really on edge, I got there on time and yet again had to wait an extra 20minutes to be seen.
During the scan the nurse asked me if I've ever had PID (Pelvic Inflammatory disease) but did not go into detail of why she asked this. I've never had it as far as I know and I have had so many checks during this process that I would've thought that the doctors would know if I'd had it or not?
Anyway she continued doing the scan and then I went to talk with the senior nurse who gave me the results ............ It failed again!
No matter how many times you prepare yourself for the bad news it still feels like a kick in the stomach!
My womb lining has increased from 1.2 thickness to 4.4 which is good but still too thin so she said to continue taking the baby aspirin. The Follies on both sides were not mature at all (too small again) so she said that she will increase the Clomid to 75mg next month.

I went from the hospital to work...cried in my car on the way there, managed to keep it together during the day and then cried again in my car on the way home.

I was really negative yesterday but then the Nurse rang me out of the blue and said that she had spoken to our fertility doctor who wants the Clomid put up by more than just 25mg, so next Cycle I will be on 100mg instead.
I feel a bit better today, luckily I have great friends and family around me who keep me going and remind me to stay strong.

I know that Rome wasn't built in a day but this whole process seems so dragged out and never ending.
I was talking with someone who I work with today who has also been through this and what she said hit the nail on the head... "it's the not knowing when it will happen or if it even will that hurts".

Life in the Womb (9months in 4 minutes)

My mum came across this video on facebook, it's fascinating to see how a baby develops inside the womb.

TTCers of IG around the world!

 

Recently I had a vision to create a map that gave a rough location of all the ladies who are on Instagram in the Trying To Conceive Community. The reason for this was so that others could look at the map and see if there was another TTCer local to them that they could connect with.

I put it up on IG to see what others thought and within minutes I had over 20 names with their city and so there it began!
The map now has around 160 ladies on it who are on fertility treatments or have been on it and are now pregnant or had a 'miracle' baby. It's amazing to see how many women in different places of the world are effected by infertility, on the map we have ladies in USA,Canada, UK, Australia, Germany and Puerto Rico.

 

Follow the link below to view the map:

https://mapsengine.google.com/map/edit?mid=z6Ssw1aNSerE.kg5R1VxNdzz8&authuser=0&hl=en

Sick on another level!

Previously when taking Provera I don't recall having side effects but I am now on day 4 of taking them again and I have felt so nauseous.
From day 1 of taking them I have felt sick on and off and yesterday was the worse, I went shopping and had to abandon it half way through as I really thought I was going to either pass out or puke on the shop floor.
I hope it goes off soon as it's starting to drive me crazy!

Day 35 and back on Provera

It felt like the longest wait ever but Day 35 of the cycle finally arrived.

I took the pregnancy test as directed to by the nurse (what a chore when you know what the outcome will be!) and as expected it was negative. I knew that I wasn't going to see a positive but it doesn't stop you just hanging onto hope, waiting for that second pink line......I was sad and I was angry at myself for thinking that the first round of Clomid would work miracles but I knew that I could now start preparing for the next round.

So up I get and dust myself off again... out come the Provera!